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More than friends

More than friends

I didn’t see it coming and neither did I see it ending. I dated this man for only a few months. My relationship with God at the time was in the gutters. I think I was looking for Him but in all the wrong places, however, at that time it was right to me. Getting loved is something extremely beautiful. It is wonderful to be loved and to receive love. With this particular man, it was as though we had been cut from the same cloth, connecting with him wasn’t difficult. I have always been an open book, with zero chills and so I assume it’s not hard to know me or get to me. 

Guys with height do something to me. His height was too perfect. I could barely reach his shoulders. This was perfect for me. His complexion and mine were extremes. Perfect combination for babies, so I thought. His hugs, his hugs, I don’t think I have had such fine hugs till date even with the major ex that I never want to talk about, well, at least for now.

His hugs were pure heaven to me. I don’t think it was only because of the height, he just had a special way with his touch. He would hug me right, with the right pressure and passion. We had been secretly admiring each other before, we were friends. When we started to confess our feelings to each other it was mutual, I felt loved and cared for. I belonged.

Gentle was he, my perfect gentleman. Focused on loving him and starting a relationship with him. The stares we stole off each other in the midst of other friends are somewhere engrained in my brain, to be retrieved or deleted as I so please. 

Haha, I know you are waiting to hear much more details but some others I will keep to myself, but kissing we did share lots of kisses. He had also started going to church and working on his relationship with God. At that moment however, I wasn’t buying into any God business. My only focus was my guy.

After a couple of weeks, I went home. Home for me means calm, a place away from the hustle and bustle. No noise, no traffic jam, no loud music. Me time. I was happily in love until I woke up to a text telling me that said “I can’t continue having this relationship we have”. The silence that I thought was bliss amplified the words I was reading, over a text yes! The audacity! And to make matters worse, there was no closure.

We want to know why people are leaving us, why they are saying no to us. We hope we can see the mistakes and try to justify ourselves or make things better next time. I don’t know why people seek closure. I haven’t found necessary closure in the failed relationships I have been through. I wish they could have giving me feedback, maybe I kept making the same mistakes over and over again, without realising it. 

That is how the broke up came in, with a simple text. I didn’t have strength to fight back. Fight for what even? I think I asked questions that were never answered. But I thought to myself that perhaps God had revealed to him that I wasn’t the one for him. He had a relationship with God remember? Me on the other hand, I was running away from God. I had issues. 

I like to think I became too much for him. I am a handful I know for sure. Still, I think an explanation would have softened the blow. Especially because I considered him a friend as well.

In my heart, a wall was created. I couldn’t have him in my presence. With time I did, but as a friend. Let’s just say I moved on or found my own ways, or fell in love with someone else, whatever it was, I was getting over him. The pain I felt though from that text is very much fresh. Thinking of it makes me feel as if I am relieving it once more.

Friends we became. I got to enjoy his nice hugs still. There is a reason why we had to remain friends but sharing that will kill the anonymity. Now come to think of it, I can’t imagine how he felt when he saw me with my new boyfriend. I can be something else when I am ‘in love’. It is as though other people seize to exist. I don’t even know how to hide it. It must have stung, this is my version though, if you wan’t his side, go ask him.

We have remained friends for years now. I enjoy his friendship. Never got courage to ask for closure.

He texted me that he is getting married soon. A text again, yes, you read that right. I am happy for him, genuinely excited for him. I couldn’t help though but reminisce on our good old days. I imagined how the girl would have all his hugs for the rest of her life. Of how she will enjoy having a gentleman. Thankfully I don’t know her personally at least.

To you Mr. man, I know you will make a wonderful husband to your queen. You deserve the best and I wasn’t able to give it to you, I wasn’t the one for you. I don’t regret knowing you. Through you I saw how God can transform someone and I know you prayed for me to know God. Good news alert, I know him now. He rescued me from the gutters. Thank you for praying for me.

All the very best in this new chapter of your life. 

Proverbs 14:30

A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body; jealousy is like cancer in the bones. (NLT)

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