Do you ever have moments when you feel as though things have just lost taste? Nothing excites you anymore. Things don’t give you the same motivation like they used to before. You have to summon your entire self before you get anything started and rolling. You don’t seem like your old self. A piece of you is lost.
You question the meaning of life and the essence of being human. You think you have a mental illness, well maybe this is true. We are in a more accepting era actually. An era in which mental health issues aren’t frowned at, well not that much. You at least know someone around you who may be having panic attacks, fighting anxiety and depression. Is Bipolar or has Schizophrenia. If you are from an African context like me, it’s almost as if these names don’t exist. They aren’t spoken about in the open like that. In whispers yes.
Woe to some of you if you tell your African family that you are having mental health issues. Their response may look like: Maybe you need food or a little of sleep and going out. In short, this means, You simply need to pull yourself together and rise up to the occasion no matter what is going on in your head.
Ignorance is no bliss though, as they say. Just because you deny it, doesn’t mean it isn’t there or doesn’t exist. I know of people who believe that these are spiritual attacks, spiritual sicknesses so to say. From either point, the fact is someone is unwell and has lost the meaning of a wholesome life. What is that even, if I may ask?
If you are like me, you hate to admit it, because admitting it feels like defeat. It feels like surrender or relinquishing control. It is as though you have given it power to rule over you and dictate your life. You don’t like this feeling. You like freedom and the ability to feel it.
At the moment though, You have no routine, the choices you make regards how to spend time are very questionable. Guilt follows you. Regret haunts you, yet you don’t know how to get yourself out of the hole. Let alone realise how on earth you ended up there. You think to yourself that maybe you need an AA group. To talk about these things you know. But people around you think you are very strong. They don’t think you have felt this low. It’s unbelievable even to you on how you got to this point.
Looking around, you see nothing that could bring consolation. You don’t remember the last time you felt excited. The last time your heart skipped for joy. The last time you couldn’t sleep or eat because of excitement and anticipation. You miss these moments. You miss your childhood memories. They seem to hold your genuinely happy moments.
Is this what adulthood is all about really?
A bunch of stiff people chasing after careers that they don’t like? Feeling stuck because of the ever ticking clock of time. One day at a time they say but even that single day doesn’t seem to make sense, it doesn’t seem to add up. You feel your energy being sapped away. Remember when you wrote about your goals and ambitions and were over the moon just reminiscing on how marvellous the plans appeared on paper. Yet now you have zero energy to work on the things you vowed to see to life. Well does that make you a betrayer of self, you ask yourself?
You know you have tried to numb the feeling away by fantasising. Yes because in the fantasy world, there is nothing beyond reach. You see a day when things make sense. When you wake up full of joy and a sense of purpose ready to take on the day. Your routine all set and you are ready to take the bull by its horns? You are thriving. You are confident and you are appreciated in every sphere of life. Your hand is felt in everything you touch. You are a success and you know it at heart. You are happy and no longer going through the life’s motions. You have life, life doesn’t have you!
One day, One day!
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