Life baffles me! Some say that you shouldn’t go looking for life’s meaning, that somehow its purpose will catch up on you. I don’t know what I feel about life and purpose at this moment. Being in a rat race but not audibly wanting to confess that you are. It is sickening to realise that you are part of something that you seem not to believe in. Yet there you find yourself, grind after grind. It is almost like a betrayal of self.
Believing in your heart that there is better, that it ought to be better or at least get better. Yet as days go by you see yourself as part of that Race. That race against time and money! And clearly you aren’t doing well. You are in constant distress. You try to push it to the back of your head by being in the moment and being grateful. Maybe even reading books to momentarily forget your current worries.
Fear is of the devil. We are meant to be courageous to take the world by storm because we are uniquely made, fully equipped to fulfil our purpose in this world. Maybe you ask yourself, what really is the point? Will I really be able to make a difference that will outlive generations? What on earth am I here for?
I hate it when I feel stuck and bound. Everything inside of me wants to move forward, to see change, to create impact but some things are just not adding up at the moment. I know about process and the journey but I don’t even know where I am headed to. Look, I want to enjoy the journey, to behold every single moment but the uncertainty cripples me. It brings me to my feet and even punishes me when I am down. For a moment I lose and another, I regain myself again.
I remember my childhood with no worries and responsibilities. Praying and asking God for anything. The world was mine for the taking. There was no mountain too big or obstacle that couldn’t be overcome by this brave girl. Big dreams, never wanting to settle. I ask myself where that little girl is now. I remember starting my paid internship and quitting after less than two months because I didn’t want to settle. The reason being, I wanted to explore and find my place in this world. Find my voice find something that would make my heart jump.
I wasn’t even damn worried about money or a CV or a rapport. I just wanted bliss and to choose my own life. So off I went. Just so you know, this was a big company in Kenya, Among the big five. If you think about it logically, this was a career suicide. But I was willing to take the chances, I went to another place and left as well and went to yet another place before I begun to settle.
Mostly because of fear and defeat and then surrender kicked in. The reality of life hits you so hard and continues pouring blows even as you lay down there.
However looking back now, all those decisions are what led me to where I currently am. My whole life has been a miracle, a Testimony. I have seen the hand of God come to my rescue countless times. Yet I still experience moments of doubt and disbelief. I now understand why we would have a statement in the Bible that says, Lord help my Unbelief. I prefer to be under God’s wings. For Him to take care of me and guide me. There are articles that I wrote years back that speak to me till date. Words written not by might or power but by your Spirit Lord.
I am not the author and finisher of my own life. I have no idea what tomorrow holds. Everything around me is pushing me to scream and to take decisions quickly and to move on. But I want to wait, I want to wait on you Lord. I want your will and your say. I don’t want to rely on my own understanding. My understanding can deceive me and my logical brain can think logically and categorically. But I want to trust you and in your supernatural.
You are divine Lord. We cannot box you even if we wanted to. You transcend time. I want my life to be anchored by you. Who would know what’s best for me other than you Lord? Loving me in my filth and disgust. What you want for me is also what I want for me because I am rest assured that it is the best. I have come to know that your will isn’t always easy or glamorous. But it comes with a peace and your always foot the bill.
Recently I read the verse Proverbs 18:16: A man’s gift makes room for him and brings him before the great. I began to ask you what my gifts are because I didn’t know. And you answered me. You even went ahead to allow me to reflect and see how those gifts have been at work in my life even without the awareness that they were there. That is my God and my father. You speak even through the unexpected like tiles in a bathroom.
At this moment, we may be seeing a fraction of it and asking ourselves, how would that fit into the bigger picture? But guess who is the holder and guardian of the bigger picture? Our father is. He knows exactly how every piece should fit into another, and everything working to the Glory and Honour of His Name.
I trust Him and invite Him to arrange and orchestrate everything that happens in my life. Even in the misty soggy rains when I can only see where the light of the vehicle allows me to see, I trust that He knows the whole road and that He is willing and able to guide me home. That is our daddy and after all is said and done…. You remain to be God. (Utabakia kuwa Mungu)
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